luminosus | for shipping's sake

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for shipping's sake– i mean

[Summer's just about nearing its end, bringing with it a new school year. There were only a couple of days left until children would have to adapt from their wont of staying up all night and sleeping in all day to rising early in the morning to attend their classes.

Pacifica wasn't so bothered by the idea of having to attend school again; after all, her best friend, Gideon Pines, had left sometime last week to return to his home for last minute preparations for his school by his parents, or something like that. Really, without him, there was very little for her to do and there was no motivation to do anything anymore. She was right back where she used to be before his arrival: alone, with only her parents to company her.

...And after being informed by Gideon of what happened after she was shooed away, she thought it best to avoid coming into contact with the sinister twins for a while. That while had involved her whiling away her time at home for several weeks, which winded down to present time. To say that she wasn't concerned about the aftermath there would be a lie.

So, eventually, she came to the decision of treading over there to at least check up on the Gleeful boy. Of course, she had to be careful; there was no telling what would be Dipper's response to everything and his overall demeanour and she especially didn't know if he had a new set of tricks up his sleeve. And with Gideon no longer present to rescue her in the event that things did go wrong, she would definitely be in trouble.

Cautiously, she approaches the household, lightly rapping the door with her knuckles before taking a few steps back. ...Just in case Mabel answered and she needed a getaway.

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[Pacifica flinches again as the door suddenly slams shut. Honestly, she didn't expect for him to still be this bitter about what had happened. The rattling of the chains is what prohibits her to turn and leave again, as she now waits for him to open the door, a bit satisfied he's being at least cooperative with her. The blatant hatred is disconcerting, but she can tolerate that. Once the door opens, him towering over her only makes her a bit more anxious, but still she carries on with what she has to say. Her expression now changes to concern at the dark circles under his eyes, and she purses her lips into a slight pout.]

I... I know he's gone, but...

[She brushes at her clothes, as if to stall for time as she formulates her words.]

He told me what happened, and um... I just came over to see how you were doing. ...You, um, don't really look well.

[He barks out a humorless laugh, leaning against the door frame.]

So kind of you to notice.

[It's surprising to say the least that Pacifica even dared show her face around here again, especially after everything that happened. Not only does Dipper look tired by his expression, but his physical appearance is actually beginning to lack as well. It's not enough to be noticeable from the stage, but up close it's easy to tell that something about him is off. His suit doesn't seem to be quite as meticulously pressed, and a few strands of hair here and there have been pulled out of place from their generally hair sprayed positions.

What might be most noticeable is the bareness of his neck that the amulet used to hide, currently replaced by an average white tie.]

...You shouldn't be here.

[A heavy sigh leaves the blonde's lips as she simply nods in response. The reality of their 'relationship' had long since came to light to her, but still... she couldn't help but find herself be concerned for the other anyways.]

I know, but...

[...But what? She can't openly admit she was worried about him. Sure, part of her agreed that he did deserve what had happened, but... she was sure the loss of his amulet and Journal 3 was devastating to his pride. Another sigh passing through her nose, she glances up at him, angling away slightly to leave.]

...If you want me to leave, then I'll go. I just came to check up on you and make sure you hadn't... died or anything.

[Dipper's stiff posture relaxes somewhat at her words, his expression never changing. Pacifica isn't the first girl to have become enamored with him in this way. Not many ever got the chance to see his dark side so eventually he would just have to let them down with a lie, or tell them he wasn't interested. Pacifica was different. She had seen his dark side and knew how murderous he could be.

And yet she came back to check on him.

His shoulders drop as his fingers tighten their grip on the doorknob, his eyes slowly examining her person.]

....

[Then, he sighs.]

Come in. ...It appears that I am going to have to show you something.

[She seems to jump in startle at his words, now blinking a few times as if to truly comprehend the situation. For a while, her expression is only written with confusion as she stares at him, before it then settles into slight curiosity as to his sudden change of mood. Well, partial change of mood.]

...Eh? Y-You want to show me something?

I won't if you keep asking questions.

[He hisses, pulling the door open a bit more. Even from the porch it seems unusually dark in the Gleeful household....and unnaturally quiet. It's usually quiet anyway, but somehow this is even more so than usual. It's a mystery as to where Mabel and Stan are right now, but it does seem that Dipper has somehow managed to get the house completely to himself.

Due to his foul mood, most likely.]

...Oh. Right. Sorry.

[Pacifica steps past him inside the house, glancing around at how eerily empty and silent it is. ...At least she now knows how Gideon felt whenever he had to come here. She stands to the side, looking at him curiously.]

[He lets out a small sigh before shutting the door behind her, making sure to latch the chain lock before moving toward the stairs. Even the way he walks doesn't carry the same air of authority as it once did, though he does a pretty good job at masking his discomfort. Without looking at her he makes his way upstairs, his hand resting on the railing as he goes. It's dusty, as if it hasn't been touched in weeks.

He doesn't wait for her and just continues all the way to his bedroom, which oddly enough isn't locked in favor of just being open. The only thing uniform seems to be the inside of the bedroom, which hasn't changed since the last time Pacifica has seen it.]

[She follows him up the staircase, humming quietly as she does so. This change in demeanour is somewhat unsettling, but she supposes it is reasonable, given what had happened. It's quite a shame really: how one's entire life could change completely because of an event. She's seen many sides to the enigmatic Dipper Gleeful, but this one is truly the worst of them all. But she doesn't say anything; she just follows him down the hallway and enters his room behind him, waiting for him to speak.]

[The silence prevails as Dipper quietly steps into the bedroom, walking past his bed without a word. Everything is exactly in it's place and how it should be. It's probably the only room in the house that's in absolute order, since the twins have no use but to use it every day. One difference being, however, the fact that the books on the shelf above Dipper's bed are all out of order, some shoved back into the wrong place backwards, or even upside down. How little sleep had he been getting...?

He steps past the dresser, running a hand along it as his eyes move from article to article in passing. A comb, a pair of loaded dice, a compact mirror..

Finally he speaks as he comes to a stop with his hand still resting on the wood, his head angled down and looking at nothing in particular.]

...I don't think you quite understand.....mm......

[He suddenly trails off, seeming to decide against what he was going to say. His fingers curl into a fist against the dresser before he turns to sit down on the edge of his bed, slowly leaning forwards to rest his chin in both hands. Then, like a switch, he suddenly poses a command, right out of the blue.]

...I want you to describe to me, right now, what you think........love is.

[The question catches her off-guard that she simply stands there in place, giving him another blank stare that seems to linger for a long while as she ponders his words. What did she think love was? ...Well, given her inexperience, she obviously held an innocent concept of what love was and how it worked. It was really something that she didn't understand but could only hope to experience eventually, just like a maiden would dream of. Gradually, her features change but they only display her introspection. It's almost as if she's trying to find the answer herself than to give him a decent one.

Eventually, she turns her gaze towards him, tilting her head slightly, and parts her lips to respond.]

Well... I'd like to think it's a wonderful feeling. It's like... You and that person have an immense dedication to one another and you want to be with one another for the rest of your life. Seeing that person's face just makes your day, and you find yourself admiring every little thing they do, if it's just them speaking or smiling at you... or even just little habits that they do. And the same is with them towards you.

[She intertwines her fingers with one another, holding them behind her back.]

...And you want nothing more than to make sure that person's happy, and to embrace them.. or hold their hand. Or kiss them. And you just generally want to be there for them, even if you're not doing anything with them. Just seeing their face is a reward to you.

[She soon ends her rambling, looking slightly sheepish as she now brings her hands from behind her back.]

That's... what I think love is. ...Why? What do you think it is?

[Her answer is exactly what he expected for it to be. While his expression is near impossible to make out with his hands resting over his mouth, there is a small sparkle of mirth in his eyes, just for a moment. As soon as it appears it's gone, really a blink and you'd miss it occurrence.

A deep sigh passes his lips and through his fingers as he watches her, idly tapping one foot on the floor as he thinks about her words. Well, with the two of them being the age they are, it's not likely that either of them really know what love is.

Dipper sure has his own theories, however, and he doesn't waste any time launching into them.]

What do I think?

....Love is an experiment. Two people come together, not at all knowing what the outcome of their relationship might be. Most experiments end in catastrophic failure, leading both parties back to where they started.

Love destroys. Love takes hold of the old personality you once knew and tears it apart from the ground up, building you into something entirely different from yourself. You'll never be the same, and you'll never be what you used to be once you've encountered it.

[He drops his hands now balled into fists to his lap, the look in his eyes both glaring and desperate as he continues.]

Love LIES. You think you might know a person....you think you know everything there is to know, but you never really will. Everyone always has some little secret to hide, no matter how open you're supposed to be with your significant other. It just doesn't work that way, and anyone who thinks it does is just kidding themselves.

Love is jealous. If he can't have you, then no one can! It turns the tides of interaction with all of those involved into a venerable battle field, leading to so many casualties that you'll soon find yourself wishing you never got yourself into that mess in the first place.

[Dipper isn't looking at her now, but instead at his shaking hands. He tries to still them by resting his palms on his knees, but the trembling still persists.
Some time passes before he continues, taking in a shuddering breath.]

...I don't know what love is. ...I only know what love isn't.

[Then, finally, he looks back up at her without moving his head, his eyes like a void as they meet hers.]

....And you're not going to find it in me. In me....love turns to hate.

Then with hate....comes death.

[Pacifica studies him quietly as he speaks, almost at a loss for words at how negatively he thinks of love. Sure, his words hold some truth to the idea of love – she knows that – but love isn't exactly just that either. There are both positive aspects and negative aspects within relationships, so in a way, both of their explanations were right. Though that wasn't what was important right now.

Hearing Dipper's words... hurt. It wasn't because, in a sense, it was a rejection to her own feelings for him... though she hadn't even known had been that obvious for him to pick up on! She was by all means used to rejection by this point. No, what had hurt was his outlook on love itself; how hurtful, how despondent, how pointless it was to fall in love! it seemed to him. To know that he wouldn't even give himself the opportunity to open up and try falling in love, to at least try to be happy with someone even through the occasional storms... hurt her most.

She felt sorry for him, actually.]

You're... right. ...Love is those things, but it's not all it is, you know?

No relationship is perfect, Dipper. You can't expect for everyone to go through life without any problems, for everyone to get along fine and dandy without some type of conflict. People know what they're going through when they fall in love and hook up, but those two people manage to weather the storm anyways because their love for one another is much stronger than the conflict they go through.

...It does destroy, it does lie, and it does bring about jealousy. But you can overcome it if you let yourself.

[Here, her expression hardens but it's just ever-so-slight.]

...You're not that bad of a person, Dipper, that you don't deserve love. You can be capable of loving someone. You're not a monster.

[A small smile makes its way on her lips now.]

...Gideon would agree with me, I know he would. Listen, I don't care if you don't find love with me, that's fine, but I know you can find love eventually.

[Dipper looks away from her as she speaks, staring at his knees with cold indifference.

You're not that bad of a person, Dipper.]

Would I be bad if I told you I've contemplated murder, on many occasions?

[He whispers, pulling his legs a bit closer to the edge of the bed. Of course he'd outwardly threatened the lives of Gideon, Pacifica, and both of their respective families before, but he'd never actually acted on his threats. It was hard to ever tell if they were empty or not, since he had never actually killed someone before.

..Well, he almost killed Gideon that day. He probably would have too if the boy hadn't figured out how to use the amulet at the last possible moment. If he had been a second later, the knife would have plunged deep into his heart, more than likely killing him instantly.
If asked outright, "Would you kill him, given the chance?", he would probably give a definitive answer of yes. Absolutely. Anything to rid himself of that thorn in his side for good.

Or would he? Murder was the one thing Dipper always threatened but never seemed to do. Kidnap? Yes. Torture? No problem.

.....But murder?

His head bows slightly, his eyes drifting shut.]

It's a miracle that I haven't tried to kill you yet, Pacifica. ...And yet you still keep coming back.
Checking on me. ...as if....as if I'm worth the effort.

...and I...I can't really decide if you're incredibly stupid...

...or brave.

...Contemplation is just what it is: contemplation. The idea of killing another can't be excused, no, but... they were fleeting thoughts. Have you acted out on such thoughts though? Have you actually taken someone's life?

[Of course, she's fully aware that Dipper's made actions that can never be justified, no matter what his reasoning was. She knows this, and yet... she still sees some sort of potential in him actually being a person than what he's made himself out to be. Because of his demeanour and reputation, others feared him. She's sure that while this is exactly what he wants, to be feared and afraid of, that it is quite lonesome for him as well. Pacifica is the type of person to see the good in others and try to bring it out to its full extent; she has no problem in extending a hand to those who need it or being the friend that one needs, whether the recipient is willing or reluctant.

Dipper Gleeful is certainly no exception.]

Why wouldn't you be worth the effort? Everyone is worth the effort. I mean, you're still a person. ...Just one who's done terrible, horrible things, but... no one is perfect. And it's never too late to be forgiven. The process may take some time, but it can happen.

...And if it's stupid for me to believe that people can change, then consider me stupid.

Mmhh. No. ...I've never committed a murder in my life.

[Something deep down inside is relieved that he hasn't snapped quite enough to do such a thing yet. Who knows what he might do in the heat of the moment, though...

His eyes roll up to look at her, his expression grim and exasperated.]

I can't just go changing myself because I was foolish enough to let my guard down long enough for Gideon to destroy my amulet. No matter what you try, I'll never change.

[....But he feels like he won't be able to...stop...]

...Can....can you....?

[He gestures for her to come closer, before dropping his hand to gesture to the space on the bed next to him.]

...No one said that you had to change because Gideon broke your amulet. I'm just saying that you could change if you let yourself...

[Well, despite what he says, Pacifica still clings to her belief. The only one preventing the Gleefuls from changing is themselves. The same goes with anyone, really, as far as she sees. Though that's ultimately his decision; she only wished to give him words of encouragement, really.

When he beckons her over, she slowly walks over to the bed to sit down next to him, confusion evident on her face. She puts her hands in her lap, looking over at him with a quirked eyebrow.]

Mm? What's up?

[Dipper falls silent when she sits next to him, averting his gaze once again. Of course he could try, but even he can't be convinced that he'll ever be able to truly change who he is. He and his sister had been terrible children to be around from birth, and he doubted that would be changing any time soon. They thrived off other people's pain and misery. They got genuine enjoyment from being in total control.

Now that he's lost that power, then what is he?

He slumps a bit and rests his hands in his lap, folding them together. The silence covers the room like a blanket, punctuated only by the ever incessant ticking of the clock on the dresser.

Then he glances over at her out of the corner of his eye, sighing.]

...You really love me. ....don't you?

[...Oh. Those words only manage to make the girl flush in deep embarrassment at how blunt it was. For a minute, she's silent, face about as red as possible from how much blood had rushed to her cheeks, but she finally manages to calm down for the most part, a whine preceding her words.]

W-Well... L-Like I said, it's really fine if you don't...!

[Goodness her, she can't even bring herself to directly say it. She inhales then exhales before continuing on, voice seeming to fade out with every word.]

...I-I... may like you... like a lot, y-yeah...

...Mm. ...Thought so.

[Is that a smile? Perhaps a bit of one, with a stifled chuckle as he turns his head away again, reaching up to hold his hand against his mouth.

Slowly he shakes his head, tapping his fingers of his free hand on his knee as he murmurs past his fingers.]

You're not the first. ...Definitely not.

[It brings him back to when he and Mabel first started performing in Gravity Falls. Girls would flock to their home in the hopes they might get another glimpse of the young magician. A constant stream of fan mail and love letters was commonplace.]

I've gotten hundreds, possibly even thousands of love letters during my time here.
Every last one I've torn to shreds without even reading it.

[He shrugs, lowering his hands again.]

I've never felt anything for any of those girls. Not even mere infatuation. ...But then.....you...

[Another pause.]

....Dear Lord I must be out of my mind...

[That wasn't surprising, really. The twins had always possessed some sort of beauty to them, from their style of dress to even their natural features. She would be shocked otherwise if they hadn't caught the attention of the townsfolk. She can only assume that since Dipper received fanmail from many girls, that Mabel had received fanmail from many boys as well. The fact that she hadn't been enamoured with him was definitely a fact she had known.

But it's just that second thing of his that catches her off-guard.]

I-I... You? ...W-What? You...?

[She's not even flustered right now; the confusion is what's prohibiting that response right now. Though there's no doubt about it that, once it's settled in her mind, it would be the next response.]

[Her confusion is enough to draw another laugh out of him, dry and fairly quiet as it is. He reaches up to draw his fingers through his hair, for once not obsessing over the fact that it looks pretty disheveled at the moment.]

Did I stutter?

[His response is both stern and almost light at the same time as he rests his chin in his hand, looking over at her to finally try and catch her eye. His shoulders roll in another shrug as he continues.]

I'm pretty sure that if you hadn't come here today to....check up on me I would have done something I regretted. ....There are a lot of things I regret, admittedly.

[Now that's something he'd never openly admit to anyone and yet there he said it. While he'd never admit it, though, it's the truth.

...What would he have done? If one thinks about the implications, it could have been anything...and he doesn't necessarily mean doing something regrettable to someone else.

Another sigh escapes him as he watches her. His vibrant blue eyes suddenly seem pale and dark....lonely....and sad, in a way. His voice is low as he says one last thing before the thick feeling in his throat prohibits him from saying anything else.]

You're the only reason I haven't given up. ...because you.... believe in me.

A-and....I like that. ...You.

[Pacifica now smiles gently, though her cheeks are flushed partially. It's nowhere near the extremity of her earlier episode, but it's noticeable nonetheless. She honestly can't believe the words she's hearing, just as she's sure he probably can't believe that they're coming out of his own mouth. ...But they're there, and she's heard every single one, flattered beyond belief and also elated. A contented sigh passes through her nose as she outstretches her arms, then she leans to the side to rest her head on his shoulder.]

Eheheh... You're welcome.

[She closes her eyes, humming for a bit, before opening them again, slightly moving her head to look at him.]

...By the way, with or without your amulet, you're still Dipper Gleeful. And that's what matters most.

[She stays silent for a bit, a soft giggle leaving her lips as she speaks again.]

...And good, I like you too.

..Mhm. ...Dipper Gleeful. 12-year old con-artist, self proclaimed magician, and pint-sized psychopath at your service.

[He mumbles, his muscles finally relaxing a bit now that he's finally gotten that off his chest.
If Mabel knew she would probably personally eviscerate him herself. Then again, isn't it the same situation with her and Gideon? And he's never said anything to her about that, though he certainly has tries in the past.

But this is different. It's not some mindless obsession. ...In fact, Dipper really doesn't know what it is, with his view of love being as skewed and twisted as it is. He just knows that he feels something that's veered from the norm, sending him into a whole new level of confusion and panic to add to his despair of the last month or so.

Now he doesn't know what to do.]

...I don't understand. ....What is there to like? Sure I'm....handsome. Charismatic..

[There's that ego.]

..but I have the personality of a toadstool. Everything about me is fake, Pacifica. You should know that by now.

Oh, come on... You know that's not what I meant. Besides, that's who you were. Like I said, you don't have to be those things anymore. You obviously don't seem happy with yourself about being those things anyways.

[She sits up and leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees as she thinks.]

...Well, you're smart, for one. Handsome and charismatic, as you said. There were a few times too when you were absolutely cute whenever you faltered. You were also determined to get what you wanted, and that's remarkable. But I guess what really attracted me to you most of all was... like I said, you had potential. I guess 'have' is the better word to use, because you still do. You just need a little push, is all.

And if everything about you is fake, then why don't you just let yourself be real for once? Why don't you be the way that you want to be instead of how your plans tell you to be?

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oh no that icon...

i knooow... it was the only sad icon i had omg...

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